At a speaking engagement a few months back I finally mustered up the courage to talk about this anger that I kept pent up inside me for years. Until that day, it was not a story I had shared publicly, and until today, certainly not one that I’d written about.
I have worked hard, but really I’ve been very lucky, too. When we started our retail business it started with luck … when it grew exponentially, it grew with hard work … and when the economy took a turn and our business declined I blamed it all on one person.
That one person failed me and failed my family — and it hurt — I felt betrayed.
It didn’t matter that the economy tanked, it didn’t matter that she tried, nothing she did mattered and I was so very angry at her.
Have you ever had someone hurt you in such a profound way that you believed you could never forgive them? The hurt was just too, too great, and the healing would take far too long.
Because of her, our lives had changed. Our income changed drastically, we sold our home as a preventive measure, the luxuries were gone, and life was completely different. And to add insult to injury I felt like she did NOTHING to make it better. This went on for years, I am not sure I have ever harbored anger like this before, and it was eating me alive.
Now I didn’t blame the actual collapse in the economy on her, but the fact that she couldn’t regain exponential growth in the business, that WAS ALL HER FAULT. It didn’t matter that Google changed its algorithm, that Panda and Penguin had beaten her to a pulp, or that there were more competitors than ever in the marketplace. She should have done something, she should have done more. But she didn’t. She failed me and she failed my family.
After a lot (actually LOTS & LOTS) of time with my therapist and life coach, I realized that I had to forgive her. That I couldn’t move forward until I unchained myself from the past. And it wasn’t easy. I didn’t want to face her. How could I face the person I felt caused all of this to happen. I just knew that I wanted to move forward. I couldn’t live in that mire any more. Waking up every morning and drowning in quicksand wasn’t good for me, it wasn’t good for my relationships, and it wasn’t good for my health, either.
Finally, one day I had to courage to face her and on that day I stepped up to mirror and I said … “Michelle, I forgive you. I love you. It’s time to move on.”
And then I just stood there.
That wasn’t the only time that I had to do it, either. I had to face myself in the mirror a few more times for it to sink in, for her to hear me.
For ME to hear me.
For ME to know that it was OK.
For ME to know that it really WASN’T ALL MY FAULT.
For ME to know that there was a WHOLE WORLD OF OPPORTUNITY just waiting on me to get there.
And it was true.
From the VERY MOMENT that I allowed myself to be forgiven, the garbage started falling away.
My personal relationships are stronger.
My health is better.
Family dinners are sweeter.
Business opportunities are better.
Life is simply better than it has ever been, because I choose not to let the failures of my past determine the successes of my future.
